I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
