My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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