Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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