Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
