Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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