I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
