i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
