Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
