So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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