High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
