Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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