I cannot find my penis.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize