Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
