Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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