Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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