Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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