fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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