finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize