His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The Olympian is in my bed
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