If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
