How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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