I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
