Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Farmville is her only friend.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
