You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
