Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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