Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it hurts more in the daytime
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
How does it feel to date your dad?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
