Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
