and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
