how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
