I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can you bring me the toilet please
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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