I hate your face
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
