Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
