I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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