Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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