Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
