you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
