Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
