mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am available for nakedness
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
