Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
