If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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