I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
