My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
