I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
MIDGETS
????
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
