I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
