Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
