someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
