Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
