tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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