Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
