hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
