When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Randomize
