Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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