so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
