you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
