We're like a lot better than the average bears
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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