I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
