dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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