so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
